October 28th, 2024
Got nowhere to hide these days, [...] Take a wrong turn if I'm not careful, Be Dishonest if I'm uncomfortable,
This update is a lot more of me just ranting than the structured broken up "thing" the last one was, not just because that is how my thoughts are as of now, but also because I am now trying out writing this in rST, and I do not know how to properly markup my thoughts it with?
I have, since updating last time, thoughtfully done nothing in my life, I am mostly unchanged since I last updated so, most probably also read the last one (link probably at the bottom I think), life has been a mess, what has? I wouldn't know, my memory has forced me into a pit of despair.
For essentially the past month, around about the first week of this month, I have had to move back home, though on my choices, not on pleaseant terms, hoorah to my family falling apart, I shall be falling apart soon enough too if I stay here too long.
A update, I have been kicked out of the film society I was complaining about the last time I was on my soapbox, they gave me no warnings and threw me out, why? I wouldn't know, but hey, I am out, I feel less guilty for not being able to keep up with all of that, I hope now I can take time and actually do things at my own speed and my own terms.
I have had to leave behind most of the people I enjoy and spend time with back at uni, and I spend most of my days now rotting in bed, and scrolling through social media, I spent some number of hours on mainstream social media even, hey! I can be normal!
This is most certainly not just me ranting about my shit, and trying to use this as an unintentional cry of help (no, I genuinely do not need help I think)
I am fighting my way through the next week as relatives show up and the urge to run away and cut ties with everyone continue.
On a less depressing note, I might be able to feel less guilty of wasting all the moneys as I might be part of the gig economy contract worker soon!
I run away back to Delhi by the 3rd of November, I would really hope I don't have to look back, for my sake really.
Some things I can try to think about other than this crisis.
Liana Flores' New album slaps and has kept me well
I also really like Jreg's new album that has really been insightful to revisit the ideas and thoughts that are associated with Incel stuff, I think its a pretty good listen otherwise too.
I've been watching Adventure time because on my flights I watched the first season of Fiona and Cake and even if I didn't have the context of adventure time (I have been exposed to it previously and knew it was good? But never really watched it) and I have since watched all the way to the third season and also watched all the public facing stuff about Ice king, Simon Petrikov, and their relationship with Marceline. I have cried enough on this to say I love the writing, and I can't help but read Ice king as a later version of myself, struggling with memory, and struggling with keeping all the ideas of self, his identity, his memories intact? That is what I've been struggling with for as long as I can think.
"Remember You" written by Rebecca Sugar, and Performed by Olivia Olson, and Tommy Kenny, has hit me to my core, with lines like:
"But I'm losing myself, and I'm afraid you're gonna lose me too" "And I need to save you, But who's going to save me?" "Please forgive me for whatever I do, when I don't remember you"
Especially the last line? I feel guilty of having forgotten the great friends I have already. Whose names I have already seemed to have forgotten, and whose memories slowly slip my mind, and I am afraid, I am afraid that soon enough, I will be someone who grasps on all their memories are gone, and its just me grabbing sand, trying to recall anything except the faint memories of silhouettes of people I hazily remember.
On the note of music, I just finished watching "We Are Lady Parts", and I can't recommend it enough. It is amazing, and I want to talk about it in more detail some other day. (Ask me about my thoughts on finding your community if its still not up).
This is now nearing 100 lines, I think I'll finish this off now. Thank you for not already messaging me asking me if I need help, I might.