What I have lost
As I started writing this I realised this is akin to the post I wrote as a /me post around the same time last year on my way to debconf, I am early but I guess this does sort of fit into the /me post category, I shall mark it as such.
This is not actually supposed to be a catch up though, it just fits categorically, what I actually do want to write about, is how my life has changed in the past ~6-9 months (hah, nice), I write this not to sob about my favourite topic of myself as I write, but as a warning to, not fall down the same path, to not, (dare I say) harm yourself as I did knowingly or not.
I believe the urge to write about this came to me as I caught up with a friend from school who I hadn't really met since last July, and as we caught up, summarising for times sake, I saw his smile turn into a flurry of emotions as I caught him up to the major beats of my life, I would like to say I have processed all of these, but I cannot say I am sure that they do not affect me.
I will not abstain mentioning most of these as these are personal stuff I mostly wouldn't burden a friend with.
But generally, family, college groups, my need to step up, led me to running myself into the dirt.
I lost around ~9 kilos between November and March, in nearly as many months, I lost as many kilos, several of my friends mentioned to me how frail and _DEAD_ I had started to look, and some sat me down and asked me to genuinely explain what I had "done to myself", at my heaviest, I had recorded myself at around ~59 kilos, at a 182 centimetres, this leaves me very very skinny.
Talking about weight, there is a very unhealthy attitude around bodies and one's weight, how the need to be skinny and light as a feather (starved) is square and centre, India holds its women to that, and men too, though of course, misogyny is always a priority.
I had never cared too much about my weight in my life, it was and is an arbitrary number that defines very little, but I use it here as I lost weight, measuring myself at the lowest of just slightly about 51 kilos, I was no longer fitting into most of my pants, I wear a size 30 waist (I do not know what the numbers mean, I do not care to learn) which usually do not fit me as I only wear them for their length, and since generally loosing all this weight, have started to NEED to wear a belt which I now own two of up from zero only around 15 months ago.
Whenever I stood up too long, lifted much, or just stood for too long, I felt like I was at the edge of fainting, I at the end of this period had to stop pushing myself that hard, which in retrospect I should have done much much much earlier.
Loosing weight, wearable pants that fit, was accompanied with loosing my temper, frequently, I (sadly) believe I have anger issues rooted deep inside me, I also like to believe I have worked on myself enough that I do not loose my cool, mostly.
Being constantly in high stress, high energy environments, I at several times I believe, have lost my cool, I have screamed, shouted, (without an ironic backing) cursed at and, ran off from duties, people, situations, and any other scenes.
I am not proud of these encounters, and I would wish to go back and apologies to my peers for this, but I do not know how.
I had also ran out of patience for myself and me constantly repeating "I do not have the energy for this". One of my closest friends introduced me to the idea of treating energy or personal bandwidth as Spoons, and I ran out of them, and ran out of them especially for myself complaining about running out of them.
I importantly lost two (2) god damn phones, all the data that accompanied them, and as such, a lot of my memories that were stored on the phone I had for around ~3 years, plus the other one I had for a month.
This was a very close blow to myself, I lost a lot of my spoons emotionally processing this, I believe as someone looking back in retrospective, if I wasn't already, the loss of my first phone really put me into high functioning depression, but when I recounted my story to my friend, I think I might have already been there.
I have also in the past few months lost my ability to really physically touch, I have never been a social person, and I was never the kid who appreciated unwanted physical affection of any kind, I have a limited circle of people I feel comfortable around, and over the years gained some ability to be more physically open about this, but I guess that was largely lost in this exhausting period, I am not very appreciative of much physical affection from people I am not comfortable any more.
I have also lost a lot of emotions, I would like to believe these are lost for now, but during these months, I mostly recall emptiness, spite, anger, tiredness, and a forced smile with small bouts of comfort and time to unwind.
I would also like to believe I lost my home. Over the years, someone close to me would always recount how we had many homes, and I would agree to some extent, home, a place I can not be anxious is, a place I can lay in bed and not be concerned because of my surroundings, a place I could neglect and always come back to fix up, home, a place I could be me, but as the sense of me has changed, and our planet has moved (physically and metaphorically) over time, these places have too, home the place I lived in for near two decades, is no longer mine. Home the place I would hangout with my grandparents and my uncle over my summers is no longer comfortable, home my apartment where I could lock myself in with no worry of the outsides I was illegally forced out of.
I back in December nearly crashed into a bike on a small residential road, I was not hurt, but my earphones were plucked out of my phone and my ears to be dragged along with the bike a bit ahead, pluck might be ... gentle to actually describe what happened, as the cable attached to my IEMs, had its USB C connector break off, now this would be repairable, plus this was a detachable cable, for around 5 euros, I could have gotten a new one, but for that upfront cost of 5 separate meals outside, or renewing my 5 month long student pass, I deferred this until today, I finally got myself a new replacement cable, and I think, not having music was what really started this snowball turning into an avalanche.
Music is something that has helped me a lot in my time of struggles, I abuse it a lot to shut out everything that sucks in my world. I abuse it to lock out all the shitty things people say, to create a space I can shut out my anxiety, to think about things, to dampen to some sense, the loneliness, and to distance myself from everyone around me.
I lost my music access back then, I was no longer able to listen to any music during my transit, listen to any music during times when I felt shit, during the inbetweens, I tried carrying a second phone but that started to break ... and is now my main phone. I tried to use an older cable, which also broke, I started carrying around my big headphones in my bag.
None of it really helped, none of it really filled the hole that had become a part of cutting out that noise in my life I didn't care for most days and couldn't think to acknowledge, and didn't want to.
All the people shouting at me, all the remark someone made about me as they passed by, all the times I would hum to myself the tune to some song without actually being able to enjoy it, and all the times I was stuck stranded by the DTC only to not be able to zone out.
I would like to believe I have lost a lot, or well I would like to believe I have not lost a lot, that I am the same person who I was 12 months ago, but likely I am not, I do not remember who that was, and as has always been my life, I care not for past me except my mistakes, and I care only for future me as long as it gives my current anxieties answers so I can worry less.
I recently ran into Sahil's Blog [1] (I swear I need to enable the blog roll at some point) and this was fairly recently, and reading through the backlog I found this write up [2] (paraphrasing) about how his mistakes make him human, and "at least its not all ChatGPT-ed", and I really agree it made me want to write more, and make more mistakes, I want to be able to express myself more, and not be dark on the internet and in person, I wish to just allow myself to be, to exist and express myself as I see it.
[1] https://blog.sahilister.in/ [2] https://blog.sahilister.in/2024/07/atleast-not-written-by-an-ai/